pressure

I am at my breaking point. I honestly and sincerely believe that if one more thing comes into my life I will explode. I hate that everything is this way. The pressure of school is ridiculous, what with "extra credit" projects and what not. And I can't possibly say no, because then my dad will be disappointed. I've got tons of schoolwork ahead of me, on top of every other major thing going on in my life. And the worst part about it is that I have allowed these things to turn me into an enormous jerk. I don't know how or when it happened, but somewhere, somehow, I let my frustration and anger get the best of me. And now I act like everything that doesn't go my way is such an aggravation and an inconvenience. I don't know what has come over me! This is NOT who I am. And so now I hate myself for being this way. No matter how much pressure I'm under, there is no excuse for me acting like a total jerk. And what makes me feel worse is that my parents get the worst of it. They are the ones who graciously provide for me, and yet I come home and snap at them, and act like a spoiled brat. Somewhere along the lines I let down my guard, and allowed myself to get swallowed up in the many snares of sin. I allowed myself to get angry and stay angry. I let my selfishness get the best of me. And I HATE it. I always have. Then I go and put on a happy face for everyone else and act like a total hypocrite. I know that most people don't know that I do these things at the time, but that's only because I'm pretty good at acting happy and fine most of the time. And not to say that I'm always miserable, either. I don't even know how to explain any of this to anybody. I ask myself why, and what, and when, and how...but the truth is I don't even know myself. It's like (if I may quote a movie) on You've Got Mail.....when they're e-mailing and talking about how they've become the worst image of themselves. That's how I feel. I have become the worst image of myself, not outright to people's faces, but instead in my mind and heart. The fact of the matter is that I wish with all my heart that I could just skip over the next four years of my life. All I'm asking for is a simple, mundane, no frills kind of life, and yet I feel like I'm asking for the world on a silver platter. And you know what else kills me? Usually I try to blame it on something or someone, but this time....I know it's me. I'm the one who let my spiritual guard down. I'm the one who is not fully trusting God. And so the blame lies fully on me. I realize now that it is my heart that needs changing, not everything else around me.