awestruck

I honestly don't know if I can say that my life right now is either good or bad. Because it isn't really either. Or maybe it's both. I'm not totally sure, but what I am sure of is that there are quite a few unhappy events creeping up on me, all of which are things that I have always prayed would never happen. They are not throw-your-life-away type of things, but more like why-must-this-happen-to-me-now kind of things. The worst part about it all is that I know they're coming ahead of time, and I don't know if I will have the courage to make decisions that I need to or the strength to deal with the inevitable events. They are not happening at the moment, but they are coming. I don't mean to be so general about all of it, but the fact of the matter is I'm not really at liberty to say anything. The prospect of seeing into the future at these "going to be" events has made me undesirably aware of my own shortcomings. And what hurts the most is that I know God is behind all the reminders that are stepping out in front of me. I have known my faults forever, but I hate to think of them and so have compacted them all in the deepest crevices of my mind. And yet, despite my desperate attempts to view myself as a "good" person, God is faithful and just enough to remind me that I am not....only He is. What seems so strange to me is the fact that I actually consider it a good thing that God gives me fresh proof every day that I am in the wrong. This should be taken as a bad thing, to be wrong, but instead it proves to me that God has not given up on me. The fact that He is chastening me shows that He cares. For whatever reason, God is asking me to come back to Him, as wicked as I am. You know what really got me though? Something I had never thought of before....it gave me so much hope and encouragement, I wanted to cry. On Wednesday night at youth group, Lael was speaking as usual, but one thing he said just pierced my heart. He said, it pleased the Lord to choose me to be His child. God wanted me to be His child, saved from hell, and it made Him happy to pick me. I stand wholly in awe when I pause to think that my being saved makes God happy. How could one puny human being mean so much to Him? Not only just a human being, but one who constantly ignores Him and thinks only of herself? How could I possibly, in the smallest measure, please God when I am so horrible a creature? I let God down so often, and yet for a reason I cannot dream to comprehend, God wanted to choose me personally to be His child. I don't understand God, and I don't understand how or why He does the things He does....but I am unbelievably grateful for His saving grace. I can't even begin to tell you how awesome the Lord has been to me, when I totally do not deserve it. I constantly ignore Him and His Word, yet He is good enough to send messages my way in order that I might be brought back close to Him. God has made me so aware of the follies of man, especially those of mine, and I am amazed at myself, that I would even dare ignore the One who gave me life and salvation. How could I be so cruel and heartless to someone who has been nothing but true and faithful to me? So anyway, I thank God for this realization and hope in Him....it is exactly what I need to get me through the rough roads ahead of me. God's timing is perfect, and even though I am not able to make it through trials, God sends me His grace, hope, love, and patience to survive living with myself. I will ask for prayer, though, because I know that I will need it a lot for about the next year or so, since that is going to be the hardest time. Mostly pray for my walk with God, because without that, I will fail. I do have hope that God will give me the strength to get through my own trials, and also strength and courage to help others with theirs. I am just so amazed at the goodness of our great God. We are not worthy to go to heaven, and why should He give us a way in? It's all in the character of God....all His attributes combined tell the story, even though we cannot understand.